The Ideal Parenting Style

There are 4 basic parenting styles present in households. Authoritarian involves a heavily controlling parent with little communication. Permissive involves a loving and caring yet free relationship. Uninvolved is accompanied by a lack of emotional attachment or any involvement. I have found the ideal parenting style to be the Authoritative style, which involves a warm, attentive, and sensitive amount of involvement yet a reasonable amount of control and reliance upon a child. Parents will encourage a child to be involved in decisions in accord with their developmental readiness and be susceptible to healthy communication, but with an authority that will keep a child safe. An authoritative parent is kind and caring, yet practical and stern with their child. To be an authoritative parent, you should focus on communicating with your child and being sensitive of their thoughts, but also be strong in your stance as an authority figure in making sure your child is safe, morally sound, and emotionally stable. According to Psychology: AP* Edition with Discovery Psychology, "Research shows that children with authoritative parents tend to be confident, self-reliant, and enthusiastic- overall, happier, less troublesome, and more successful." The authoritative parent is the ideal parents, they in the end set a child up for ultimate success.

Raising a Confident Child

One of the most important concepts ever to instill in your child is self-confidence. With a healthy dose of confidence a child can do anything they put their mind to and without it they could be stuck in a life of uncertainty. As a parent, knowing how to ensure you are raising a child with a healthy amount of self-esteem can be tricky. You are not always sure if you are doing the right thing, or if it is your fault if they feel down or if it is their peers or a phase. As a parent, you can only do so much to set your child up for success and the rest is your child's own journey. However, there are little things you as a parent can do to be the best parent you can be and create a healthy environment for your developing child. To help give a few tips to helping raise a confident child, I created a Dos and Don'ts list for helping a child achieve a adequate self-esteem.

Do encourage you child to make and write down smart goals for the future.

• Making goals can help motivate your child and strengthen healthy behaviors

Don't create all goals for your child.

• Allowing your child to create their own goals is empowering and will help a child be more motivated to achieve them themselves. You as a parent can make a few small goals based upon behavior and such, but make sure that your child agrees to they terms and is not being directly controlled.

Do praise your child often for achieving goals and successes.

• Recognizing successes will push a child to achieve their goals, because they know what they do matters. Praise is one of the most important components in creating a self-confident child.

Don't over-praise your child.

• It is crucial to instill self-confidence in your child, but it is also crucial to make sure your child is humble and is not over-confident. Over-confidence can lead to future problems socially. Be sure to sparingly admit your child's faults and help your child create goals to overcome these faults. Make sure to always encourage your child to be humble and work hard for what they have.

Do instill independence.

• Make sure as a parent to motivate your child to be independent and do tasks on their own. Independence and self-confidence come hand in hand. Allowing your child to work independently can show a child that they are capable of achieving goals for themselves.

Don't be controlling.

• Although you may feel a constant urge to do everything for your child and force them into situations that you yourself want your child to be in, if you want to raise a self-confident independent child you can to use self control and allow you child to work on their own and control their own future. At a young age, you can help turn your child in the right moral and safe direction, but after elementary age and adolescence reaches, your role as a parent in decision making should start to decline gradually until adult hood. As a parent, it is important to a point to let go of your own dreams for your child and let your child form their own dreams.

Parenting from High School to College and Beyond

When your child hits the High School age, there is not too much left to do as a parent except for do your best to guide your child in the right direction. Many adolescents during this age have gained a significant amount of independence and are starting to rely more heavily upon the values that you have already instilled in them. Although, there are still a few signs you should make sure you as a parent can look for to be sure your child is on track entering into college and beyond. You as a parent may not have the direct role in helping to shape these behaviors but you can definitely make your presence known and be helpful in their developmental journey. I have compiled another shorter list of characteristics that many college age and beyond young adults should exhibit based upon Erikson's Psychosocial Stages and Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Reasoning. However, these may not be present in all young adults at sometime. Some fully grown adults never exhibit these characteristics.

High School to College and Beyond Development

1. Intimacy Ability- Capacity for closeness and commitment
• Parents can help initiate the ability for closeness by encouraging a child to be social and open in the household, and give them space to have relationships independent of the home. Parents can make sure to leave communication open and be caring yet flexible at this age.
2. Social Contact and Ethical Principle Moral Orientation- moral representation based upon the welfare of society and moral principles based upon their own sets of beliefs and values
• Morally, you can help as a parent by motivating your child to see morals based upon their effect on society and also push them to create their own independent gage of moral representation. Your role as a parent during this age is most important in motivation of helping your child be secure in their moral beliefs and encouraging them to be confident and independent in their values and moral standing.

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Parenting from Middle School to High school

The Middle School years for a child can be some of the hardest years for a parent. You child is making so many changes socially, physically, and emotionally that can take a toll not only on the fragile tween to teenage but also on the parent watching their baby grow into an adult. Around this age it is also very important that your child is meeting their cognitive and psychological developmental needs in order to progress onto high school. In order to help parents to identify the desirable characteristics of a middle school child heading into high school, I once again formulated a list of characteristics that would be very advantageous for a adolescent age child to demonstrate.

Middle School Development (12-14 years)

1. Comfortable sense of identity- adequate sense of self both uniquely and socially accepted
• As a parent, helping a child gain a sense of identity can be a royal struggle. Some adolescents are pushing you away and that is a perfectly normal part of finding out who they are as an individual. What can you do? Above all, encourage your child to explore different social groups, identities, and do not patronize. Denying a child can cause them to act out and turn to peers who may experience destructive behavior. Give your child space, yet try to be informed and involved in their activities at a safe level
• For example: Encourage your child to hang out with different friend groups, wear different clothes, and be a unique individual; however, if their actions ever turn towards a self-destructive aim, be stern yet empathetic in addressing the situation and dissolve the unhealthy behavior.
2. Begin Formal Operational thought stage- ability to think abstractly
•  During this age, adolescents start to gain an ability to think more "outside of the box." In order to help stimulate this, you as a parent can help by talking with your child and having debates and discussions about abstract concepts such as existence, fairness, and morals. Being open with your child and helping start such conversation can help stimulate their thought process and lead to more advanced cognitive ability.

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Parenting Kindergarten to Middle School

You as a parent may have thought sending your child off to Kindergarten for the first time was the hardest feat you had to endure, but I'm sorry to say the struggles only continue as they progress through elementary school. Parents worry about if their child is measuring up and developing properly on schedule both cognitively and socially. Parents worry about behaviors with interacting with other classmates and whether what their child is doing is normal for their age. The list goes on and on. As a parent, you will always worry from the day the are born to the day you die about your children and this is completely normal. However, I have created a list of desirable characteristics for this age group based again on Piaget's, Erikson's, and Kohlberg's theories with parenting steps to help develop these golden traits. These desirable characteristics are goals that as a parent you can aim to help your child achieve throughout elementary school and heading into middle school. Acknowledging these central steps toward success can help further broaden your parental background and help you to look more deeply into the progress of your child.

Elementary Age Development (6-11 years)

1. Understanding of Conservation- the fact that physical properties of an object or substance does not change when appearances change but nothing is added or taken away
• As discussed in a earlier post, parents should aim to demonstrate conservation by showing the process you go through to obtain the same result.
• For example: measuring out the amount of fluid in two different sized cups that contain the same amount of fluid.
2. Uses Mental Operations for Problem Solving- solving problems by manipulating images in one's mind
• Parents can encourage using mental operations through problem solving games and uses of mental math and reading to self. As a parent, it is important to push a child to make and achieve goals, but at their own pace with the child's want and need for achievement.
• For example: Help your child set goals by writing them down and encourage them to use mental thought and representations.
3. Competence- confidence in oneself socially and intellectually
• As a parent, the largest role you can have in instilling competence in your child is most prominently through encouragement and affection toward your child. You can help your child by pushing your child to achieve goals, but also by being aware of their successes and making your approval known to your child.
• For example: Use encouraging words and help your child reach their goals
4. Moral Representation based upon acceptance by peers and authority
• As a parent, you will notice your child at this age will be very receptive to their morals depending on how you view them as a "Good Child." You can help shape you children's morals more directly at this time by teaching a child at this age what is societally right and wrong.
5. Moral Representation based upon Law-and-Order and rules
• Along with children at this age worrying about parental and peer acceptance, they will also be susceptible to rules based morality. You can also help children during this age by creating concrete rules in the household and make known laws.

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Parenting from Birth to Kindergarten

When you send your son or daughter off on the bus on their first day of Kindergarten, their are a million thoughts going through your mind: "Is he or she ready?," "Did I do all I could do to prepare him or her to enter school?," "Is he/she going to fit in?". Using psychological concepts such as Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development, Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial Development, and Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Reasoning, I have compiled a list of desirable characteristics for your child to have entering Kindergarten and how you as a parent can have an impact on developing such characteristics. This list should help create milestones for you and your child to push toward heading up to that first day off to Kindergarten. The list will also show normal behavior during these stages that may not be desirable to you as a parent but is developmentally common for children during this age.

Birth to 2 years

1. Reflexive behaviors- sucking, clinging, and crying
• Parents can observe behavior to make sure they are normal early on.
• For example: lack of eye contact early on and late speech development can be a sign of Autism
2. Simple learning tasks- recognizing people, grasping attractive objects
• Parents should work to push their child to do independent tasks gradually, such as feeding, grasping, and potty training. Use simple behavioral conditioning of reinforcements, because children are more responsive to conditioning during these years. Use punishments sparingly, but they must be controlled, consistent, and not physical.
3. Mental representation- form internal images of objects and events
• Parents should relate directly relate words with objects and events that a child could internally visualize in order to jump start the problem solving process.
• For example: When saying "ball," show the child a ball and what it can be used for and its function, so they will form a mental representation of the object.
4. Object Permanence- the knowledge that an object exists independently of one's own actions or awareness
• Parents should aim to show children as they age that when objects are out of sight they do not completely disappear. They can use techniques and games such as peek-a-boo to strengthen such awareness
5. Trust- Sense of Safety and Security
• Parents should be attentive to their child, hold them, care for them, and develop an overall trust. Without a basic sense of trust at this age, psychosocial development can be severely crippled.
6. Egocentric pleasure/pain/profit orientation- a moral representation based upon avoiding pain or avoid getting caught doing things perceived as wrong
• Parents should acknowledge wrongdoings and reward good deeds in order to start a development of moral reasoning.

2 year to 6 years(Kindergarten)

1. Basic problem solving
• Parents should work to allowing children to be more independent in solving simple problems, such as looking for lost objects. One could help develop this with games like hide and seek.
2. Sense of Self- seeing themselves a different from others
• Parents should work to acknowledge to children their differences and what makes them unique.
3. Deter Egocentrism- self-centered focus
• Parents should try to be honest but not debilitating with young children. They will be self-centered at a young age, because they do not have the cognitive development to understand other point of views. Be consistent in trying to show all points of view, differences, and values. Be sympathetic and caring, but progressive.
4. Try to nip "Animistic thinking" in the butt before Kindergarten
• It is very normal for children to have imaginary friends and give inanimate objects life; however, it is crucial to slowly acknowledge going into school the difference between living and nonliving things.
5. Correct centration and irreversibility
• Children at this age will have a narrow focus on their life and not be able to reverse situations easily and see beyond their perspective. This is very normal, but to strive to push beyond ordinary,  parents should explain the truth of the situation whenever possible.
• Centration: Sees the taller glass as containing more water- measure out the amount in both in front of your child
• Irreversibility: Child cannot see how the raisins on a plate is the same amount as those in a box- reverse the process to show the truth of the matter
6. Autonomy- capable of controlling one's body and making things happen
• Parents should aim to allow children to control their own actions and allow independence.
7. Initiative- confidence in one's self being able to create
• Parents should allow children to start doing many tasks on their own such as dressing themselves, making art projects, and making other choices. Although it can be hard to let go, parents must resist correcting children and be proud of them for doing independent tasks.
8. Cost/benefit Orientation- achieve/receive rewards or mutual benefits
• Children at this age will begin to use problem solving techniques to see the functions of rewards and punishments in moral reasoning. As a parent, again this is very normal for a child not to be able to see beyond a reward or benefit, but to push further you could try and reinforce the moral aspect of others feelings being involved in the situation.

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Nature and Nurture in Parenting

The age old question of "Nature vs. Nurture" will be a constant debate until the end of time, but as a parent, it is crucial to gain your own perspective on this theory. It is inevitable at sometime during your parenting journey you will sit back and wonder if your child is behaving in a certain way because they were born this way or because you molded them into the person they are, and although you may swing one way completely over the other, it is useful to address both sides to every story.

As a developmental psychologist, this is one of the greatest debates of our time, and over the years I have put my own spin on how I feel about the situation. You may not feel the same way I do, and that is completely fair as their is no proven answer to which is more vital yet in psychology. Personally, I feel that that both nature and nurture have their own functions in psychology. Obviously, we are born with certain innate characteristics that we can never shake, such as our physical appearance and certain personality traits such as temperament. However, many other aspects of our personality and behavior are a result of reflecting the behavior of the people around us through nurtured actions. I feel personally that nature and nurture share more of an equal bond and work together to shape you and your children. Overall, your children will always be a reflection of you genetically; however, you have to understand that they will also always be effected by the environment they grow up in, the people they surround themselves with, and how you treat them and shape them. Nature is only the beginning, but what you present your children with and the options to provide for your children will determine in the end how successful they will become and what kind of person they are.

What you as a parent should make of this is that it is your job is to not only address the genetically predetermined characteristics of your child but to also push your child to do their best despite whatever background they have. As a parent, it is important to nurture your children in a caring, supportive environment, because the environment they are raised in has a powerful impact on their future, and despite whatever they are born with all children have the ability to be happy and successful in their own way, and as a parent isn't that all you want?

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